Silent Sorrows: Coping with Disenfranchised and Vicarious Grief
Grief is a powerful and universal experience that touches us all, drawing communities together in times of loss. However, not all forms of grief are shared or acknowledged in the same way. Disenfranchised grief—grief that is not openly recognized—and vicarious grief—the grief experienced indirectly through others—can be particularly isolating. In Southern Oregon, where many residents are relatively new to the area, the transient nature of the community can exacerbate this isolation, leaving individuals to navigate their grief with limited support and connection.
Disenfranchised grief, a term popularized by Dr. Kenneth Doka, refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. This type of grief can arise from various situations, such as the loss of a pet, a miscarriage, or the death of an ex-spouse—losses that society may not recognize as "worthy" of significant mourning. This lack of recognition often leaves individuals feeling isolated and unsupported during an already challenging time; this was highlighted in a recent study showing the prevalence of disenfranchised grief during the COVID-19 pandemic, particularly among young widows in rural areas, who faced not only the loss of their spouse but also societal pressures and stigmatization(MDPI).
In Southern Oregon, the experience of disenfranchised grief can be further exacerbated by the transient nature of our community. Since the 1990s, populations in some parts of Southern Oregon have risen by 159%. These numbers predominantly represent new or young families who are still finding their footing in this community, often disconnected from their previous support systems—neighbors, extended families, and familiar organizations. In this process of re-establishing new connections, the sense of belonging that typically provides solace during grief can be weakened or delayed. Additionally, with approximately 90,000 religious adherents in Jackson and Josephine County, aligning closely with the state-wide trend of only about 30% of residents attending church weekly, many people lack the traditional communal rituals that often help to validate and process grief. This absence of both established social connections and communal religious practices can leave individuals feeling even more isolated when navigating their grief.
Vicarious grief occurs when individuals experience grief indirectly, often through the loss or suffering of someone else, even if they weren’t directly connected to the deceased. This form of grief can be particularly intense for people who lose family members or close friends who live far away. The physical distance not only complicates the grieving process but can also turn what might have been standard grief into disenfranchised grief, as they are often cut off from the usual support networks and death customs that would typically help them process their loss. The inability to participate in traditional mourning rituals, like attending funerals or communing at a repass, can leave these individuals feeling isolated and struggling to find closure.
Moreover, in today’s digital age, our connections extend beyond face-to-face interactions to what are known as parasocial relationships—those formed with people we only know through media, such as celebrities, influencers, or even acquaintances on social media. When someone we follow closely on social media dies, we can experience a form of vicarious grief that is unique to our times. Despite the depth of emotion felt, this grief is often dismissed or misunderstood because the relationship was not "real" in the traditional sense.
Adding to this complexity, differences in political ideologies within our community can further alienate us in our grief. In a time when political polarization runs deep, grieving the death of a public figure or influencer, especially one from a contentious political or cultural group, can intensify feelings of isolation. For example, mourning the loss of a Palestinian influencer may not only be misunderstood but could also lead to outright judgment or a lack of compassion from those with opposing views. When we cannot trust that our grief will be held with empathy by our neighbors or community, it becomes further siloed, intensifying the sense of disenfranchisement.
Disenfranchised and vicarious grief carry significant emotional, psychological, and social costs. The isolation and lack of validation inherent in disenfranchised grief often lead to prolonged feelings of sadness, guilt, or unresolved emotions, which can escalate into more serious mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Studies have shown that individuals who experience disenfranchised grief are at higher risk for complicated grief, a condition where mourning becomes long-term and disrupts daily life(MDPI).
For caregivers, healthcare professionals, or those in helping roles, vicarious grief can manifest as burnout or compassion fatigue. Continually bearing witness to the grief and suffering of others can lead to a sense of helplessness, emotional exhaustion, and detachment. In the context of parasocial relationships, the psychological burden is often exacerbated by a lack of communal understanding, which leaves individuals grappling with their grief alone. Over time, both disenfranchised and vicarious grief can impact personal relationships, job performance, and physical health, leading to increased stress and social withdrawal(APA).
The social costs are just as profound. Those suffering from disenfranchised grief often feel excluded from community rituals, while those experiencing vicarious grief may be reluctant to share their feelings for fear of being misunderstood. This lack of social acknowledgment can lead to a sense of alienation, not just from individuals but from the broader community.
Coping with these forms of grief requires a multi-faceted approach. First, recognizing and validating the grief—whether for oneself or for others—is crucial. Without societal or communal acknowledgment, it becomes even more important for the individual to self-validate their grief. Therapy, especially grief counseling, can provide a safe space for people to process these emotions. Peer support groups, such as those provided by SOLADA, Celia’s House and Journey Home, offer an environment where others with similar experiences can connect and share their stories, helping to break the isolation.
For those in helping roles who experience vicarious grief, setting emotional boundaries and engaging in regular self-care practices are essential to prevent burnout. Mindfulness techniques, exercise, and creating time for personal joys can help mitigate the emotional toll. For parasocial grief, engaging in online communities of people who are mourning the same loss can help individuals feel less isolated.
Finally, building a stronger sense of community in Southern Oregon, where connections can be transient and rituals less defined, is vital. Encouraging open conversations about grief and loss, and creating spaces where people can come together to mourn, could help alleviate the isolation that both disenfranchised and vicarious grief bring.
Grief, in all its forms, is an inevitable part of the human experience. While it has the potential to bring communities together, it can also lead to profound isolation when it is not fully acknowledged or understood. Disenfranchised grief, whether stemming from a socially unrecognized loss or the complexities of vicarious grief, represents a significant challenge for many, particularly in a transient community like Southern Oregon. The absence of deep-rooted connections and traditional rituals can further alienate those who are grieving, leaving them to navigate their pain alone.
Yet, there is hope in understanding and addressing these unique forms of grief. Recognizing and validating all complex feelings, encouraging open conversations, and building supportive networks are crucial steps in ensuring that no one has to grieve in isolation. At the Southern Oregon Living and Dying Alliance (SOLADA), we are committed to supporting our community through these challenges, helping each individual find connection and solace in their journey of loss and healing.
As the quote goes, "Be kind to everyone, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." This is a reminder that compassion for others and for ourselves is essential in navigating grief. Even if your grief is not seen or understood by those around you, it is still valid. Holding space for your grief is important, and you don't need to rush through it or diminish it.
If you find yourself in a place of disenfranchised or vicarious grief, consider using tools like journaling to explore and express your emotions. Writing can be a powerful way to process grief, allowing you to put words to the complex feelings that often go unspoken. Additionally, having conversations with others—including engaging with artificial intelligence conversation models—can help you untangle the nuances of your grief. Whether through personal reflection, dialogue with a trusted friend, or a supportive community like SOLADA, you do not have to carry your grief alone.
Citations
Nasir, S.; Giménez-Llort, L. The Trajectory of Depression through Disenfranchised Grief in Young Widows in Times of COVID-19: A Case Report from Rural India. Behav. Sci. 2023, 13, 653. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs13080653
Huff, C. (2024, June 1). The hidden grief of miscarriage. Monitor on Psychology, 55(4). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/06/hidden-grief-miscarriage
