The Conversation; Taking Care of Our Aging, Dying Parents

May 17

Thoughts by Hayriya Heidi Hansen

Many of our childhood fairy tales end with "and they lived happily ever after". But at some point we all realize that fairy tales are just tall tales with little truth. Chances are most of us will live much longer than times past and we will die slower with many detours on that road of happiness. Due to medical progress against chronic fatal diseases and improved behavioral and social risk factors, many people will live well into their 70's and 80's. In 1900, the average life span was 47. Today, in 2024, the United Nations World Population Prospects predicts that most people will probably live to 79.25. Because of this trend, it will be increasingly common for a 30, 40 or 50 year old to be raising their own children and caring for an aging or dying parent. Most 'children' at any age even into their 70's could find themselves, in some manner or form, caring for a parent. Our May blog will shine the first light on this enormous topic. In the future we will continue to share and offer support to those caring for aging and dying parents.

Most of us know that historically people didn't grow old. Individuals were born, grew up, bore children, aged, and died. Commonly in the US, caring for a parent meant sharing some meals, helping with chores and a few weeks after a parent got sick, being present when their parent died. Decades ago, families lived geographically close, so close that care often took place in their own home or in the home where their children and grandchildren lived.

Today living longer often means growing old, frail, needing constant care, not for weeks but for years, and living two or more hours away from parents by plane! Many care for their aging parents while raising their own children, managing a job, and handling their own day to day affairs, all of which can send one on an emotional roller coaster. Adult children of aging or dying parents are often anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, confused, hurt, afraid, guilty or all of these emotions; everything churning together! The task of caring for an aging parent can jeopardize their own health, finances, marriage, family, or career. For some it is literally killing them as they grapple with this enormous task.

Aging has changed! Recent 'advances' have altered the face of middle and old age. For the first time in history we are dealing with the phenomenon... of caring for aging or dying parents. And the demands of caring for a parent in our 'modern era' have changed drastically, possibly paving the way for a difficult road for the aging adult and/or their offspring.

If you find yourself in the position of caring for your parents, don't be surprised if you find that you feel triggered. Perhaps one parent wasn't very 'good' to you as a child. You felt neglected, unwanted, even abused. Now fast forward thirty years, you're supposed to be a loving son or daughter and care for this challenging parent! And even if they weren't 'that bad', do you have to jeopardize your whole life to give comfort and care to a parent who didn't treat you with love and care? The emotional minefields are vast and ghosts may arise!

If you, (your spouse, or a friend) find yourself in the above situation, first and foremost you must be honest with yourself about what you are willing and able to do, knowing that what is ideal, practical and possible will be ever changing as you navigate forward. Even the most loving parent deserves care AND you must still ask yourself those same querstions. You must try to understand that there will be an enormous impact, some negative and some positive, especially if you or a combination of family members choose to perform the direct caregiver role. There are few models, all situations are unique and everything can change in a blink, being open and flexible is really helpful. However you choose to be involved during the time of your parents aging and ultimate death, there are some practical matters which must be addressed as you navigate the fine line between protecting a parent, respecting their dignity and supporting their independence and autonomy.

First and foremost, it is crucial to have 'the conversation'. We need to understand our parents' private affairs and desires. It's important to have answers to questions about current health problems, day to day necessities, financial situation, legal needs (wills, power of attorney, Advance Directives, probate, guardianship), housing needs, driving status, in order to create a detailed list of what needs to be done now and into the future. This critical conversation can be challenging for you, your siblings, parents, for the whole family! It takes time to discuss and understand, and the reality is that most of us don't have these conversations early enough. We don't prepare!Understanding the state of your parents' physical, emotional and psychological needs will help the family assess how to move forward, what role each member can play, where help is needed to ultimately create a plan of action.

The first meeting can be challenging, often these issues have never been discussed. Siblings may have their own agendas, their own viewpoint, fears, needs, axes to grind or perhaps they are mired in anger, guilt or grief. A parent might not have the physical or mental capacity to be involved, (though if at all possible having your parent (s) present is advisable).

While we certainly don't plan to take care of our parents, don't set aside money to help them, and we don't really imagine that our parents mental abilities will falter or realize that our parents didn't financially plan well for their extended aging, all of these scenarios happen. Having these conversations early and often are vital to successful transitions for your parent and the whole family. Understanding that as our parents age, roles can shift, family members can become divided about care. Forced to be together, anger, grief and all the unprocessed emotions can fly and the family can become destabilized. And then, when the parent dies this destabilization can lead to an irreparable tear in the family.

Best to start talking to each other NOW! Be curious about unprocessed emotions, assess your parents status regularly, understand individual as well as family needs. Things change. Keep current with family members. Take care of yourself and support each other practicing self care. Use family gatherings as step stones for deeper, more meaningful conversations. When is the 'right time' to think about and discuss aging and death and all the possibilities with our parents and family...NOW!

Old age isn't a waiting station between life and death. If we, as families don't communicate with our parents, if we dismiss, humiliate, patronize or isolate our parents and elders then their lives become self fulfilling as they become useless, dull, frail, sickly and more dependent. Right now, we have an opportunity to raise the bar on aging! By engaging in these conversations early, individuals and families can support each other to lead fuller, richer and more meaningful lives. We are all going to die and none of us knows when. Get real about life and the end, make plans so that you and your loved ones can age and die with grace.

Have "The Conversation' before health problems become apparent, Determine Needs, Plan Ahead and Start Collecting Information about services and allies early (even before the need arises). Get Help... from community services, geriatric care managers, doctors, therapists, family mediators, spiritual advisors, lawyers, financial planners. Getting the right services and support can take time. When possible, it's best to make this a family affair and if you have the financial means get outside help so that you can do what's most important, give your parents love and attention.

At this time we all need to rethink our definition of old, we need to change our attitudes about aging, we need to realize that we are not old till we stop living. We need to encourage ourselves, our parents, our friends, our communities to have conversations, discuss aging, dying and death openly. Realize that death will happen to us all and by embracing that reality, conversing about aging and dying, we are engaging with the full spectrum of life. So spread the conversation, talk to your family and enjoy the Present!

Written by Hayriya Heidi Hansen

The Conversation; Taking Care of Our Aging, Dying Parents

Medical Aid in Dying